Jingle Bells

Kerrigan's all-time favorite Christmas song was "Jingle Bells." It was one of the first songs she learned to sing, and even though she never really got the words right, she put her whole heart and soul into singing. Here's a video of one of the first time she sang it for me.

The First Year

For many people, Thanksgiving is a time for family, food, and football. It was for us, too, up until last year. When our Kerrigan passed away Thanksgiving morning, the day took on an entirely new meaning for us. That was the day our lives were shattered and our family broken apart. We lost a little piece of our heart and soul that day, and since then, there's been an emptiness in our lives that will never be filled.

For us, Thanksgiving will always carry with it the stigma of being the day we lost our precious daughter. And, for me, the day has lost all meaning. This year, I had the mentality of "Why should I be thankful when such a large piece of my life is missing?" But then I have to remind myself that I have a wonderful husband who has stood by my side and held me up every day, a beautiful little boy who has brought his own little light to our neverending darkness, and a family who has offered us nothing but love and support through these challenging times.

We had been told that the days leading up to the anniversary are harder than the day itself. I now fully agree with that statement. The week leading up to Thanksgiving was difficult beyond words. The few days before Kerrigan passed are now cemented in my head, and I couldn't help but run through every second of every day. The day before Thanksgiving, we had watched "The Muppet Christmas Carol" and she had helped me make Jell-o salad. She'd been so excited to push the buttons on the blender that she did so before I had a chance to get the lid on. Needless to say, the kitchen and I were soon covered in hot, sticky Jell-o mess! I remember how meticulously she counted out her three handfuls of marshmallows for the Jell-o, how she had desperately wanted to go sledding down the huge snow pile outside the car care center, and how we had to tell her "No" because she was running a lowgrade fever and we didn't want it to get any worse. She made sure she had her special can of olives that she had picked out just for her. She was so proud of it that she showed it to everyone she happened upon in the grocery store. We had ramen noodles for dinner, and she couldn't contain her excitement about playing with her cousins the next day. She went to bed like every other night...pajamas, story, night-night kisses, and a cup of strawberry milk. And then sometime between 5:30 and approximately 7:30, she was gone....and our lives would never be the same.

We thought that time was going to crawl by without her special little spirit in our lives to brighten our days. However, the opposite has become the norm. Time has sped up and slipped past us. A year has gone by like a week. We celebrated the anniversary of her loss, and it seemed like she's only been gone for a few days. It so hard to believe that the little brother she was so excited for will be a year old in two weeks. I wish time would slow down a little so that we can enjoy our time with Jasper more, but, at the same time, I am exceptionally thankful that time is speeding by. It just means that we're that much closer to the day when we'll be reunited with our sweet girl. Until then, we get by day to day...relishing in the knowledge that she isn't far. Her spirit is still here in our home, and we know that she's always watching over us.

Honey, Honey

Here's the prequel to Kerrigan's "Crocodiles and Honey, Honey" video.

Happy Halloween!!

Basket Case

This is one of the best examples of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the Richardson household. Don't ask me what on earth my daughter was doing when she decided that a plastic play grocery basket made a nice helmet. Don't ask me what possessed her to continually wear it while bouncing on her zebra. Don't ask because I simply could not give you any sort of answer. Kerrigan is as Kerrigan does. It wasn't only her name...it was a way of life. And in her way of life, baskets make perfectly good helmets!

What's Normal Now?

What is Normal Now?

NORMAL is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Easter.

NORMAL is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying people.

NORMAL is feelin glike you can't sit through another minute without screaming because you just don't like to sit through church anymore, and yet, at the same time, feeling like you have more faith in God than you had before.

NORMAL is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

NORMAL is not sleeping because a thousand "what if's" go through your head constantly.

NORMAL is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have some "noise" because the silence is deafening.

NORMAL is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday common event and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become part of normal conversation.

NORMAL is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and surviving those days, and trying to fin a balloon or flag that fits the occassion. "Happy Birthday"? Not really!

NORMAL is a new friendship with a bereaved parent and meeting over coffee and talking and crying together over your chilren and worrying together over the surviving children.

NORMAL is being too tired to care if you paid your bills, cleaned your house, did the laundry, or if there is food in the house.

NORMAL is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 4 or 5 children because you will never see this person again, and is it worth explaining that one of them has passed away. And yet, when you say 4 children to avoid the problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.

NORMAL is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think you are "NORMAL."

Kerrigan's Tricycle

For her second birthday, Grandma & Grandpa Foulger gave Kerrigan her very own tricycle. She was so excited to ride it but was adament about not doing so until she was being safe and wearing a helmet (thanks, Dora!). So the very next day we made a trip down to Larsen's Bicycles and purchased her a brand new helmet. At first she wasn't very keen on riding her bike outside, so we used the kitchen. You may need a 2-year-old to English translator to understand a lot of what she says...

Translations:

*What does Opa eat? "Opa eats cookies."
What does Daddy eat? "Daddy eats steak."
What does Mommy eat? (she doesn't say, but according to Kerrigan, Mommy eats chocolate.)
What does kitty cat eat? "Kitty cat eats mice."

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

I never thought of grieving as an actual process. When death took someone I loved before Kerrigan, it never really ever seemed to sink in. It didn't have an all-encompassing effect on me like Kerrigan's loss has. Because of this, I've never gone through any real stages of grief. Sure, I've mourned their loss and cried at funerals, but that's been about the extent of it. Grief is something that is exceptionally difficult to deal with. For me, it takes up every minute of every day. It fills my every thought and keeps me up at night. I have nightmares that repeat every second of that morning. I can't get thoughts out of my head about what happened to my baby after we said goodbye to her at the hospital. Sometimes I can't bear to say her name or look at her pictures for fear that I'll wake up from a dream and I'll never have known her at all. Sometimes I pray that I'm still dreaming and that this is all a nightmare...that I'll wake up and hear her footsteps running through the kitchen at 7:00 in the morning. Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of grief is the way people other than yourself deal with it...how they view your grief. From what I've experienced, most people think that I should have stopped grieving her loss months ago. It's like they gave me a deadline of when I should be finished. A week, a month, two months...unfortuantely it doesn't work that way. Every day, the emptiness of my house screams in the silence, and every day I dread having to answer questions about Kerrigan when Jasper asks "Who is that?" when he looks at her pictures. I hate having to think of how he will react when we take him to visit her campsite and wonder if he ever truly appreciates how much his sister loved him before he even got here.

Our online support group through the SUDC program has offered wonderful writing on handling grief. This week, the director of the program posted this on the forum, and I thought it should be posted here on Kerrigan's blog.

The Mourner's Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will acceptyour feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave youf eeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is away for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.If faith is a partof your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourselfasking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one ofthe best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconcilingyour grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, notan event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people whoare impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Beelzebub

When Kerrigan was about 7 months old and starting to pull herself up on things, she fell in love with a full-length mirror we had hanging on one of our doors. When she started talking to her reflection, we discovered that there was another little person living inside her. We nick-named her new persona "Beelzebub," because of the deep, raspy demon voice that would eminate from her sweet little body.

Jasper has now produced his own little demon, which we have nick-named "Chernabog." He's not up to par with Kerrigan's Beelzebub, but it's definitely a close second!

Wishing "First's" Didn't Exist

I honestly can't wait until our list of "first's" are over. Our first Christmas without Kerrigan...first Thanksgiving...first Halloween...first Mother's Day...first Father's Day...first birthday...first day of school...the list goes on and on. And yet again, here I sit on another first: my first birthday without Kerrigan. I have never hated my birthday so much as I do today. I had to force myself to get out of bed this morning, and I have been needing a cattle prod to coerce myself to do anything productive today. All I want to do is retreat to my bed, pull the covers over my head, and wait for the day to be over!

I miss my little baking buddy so much! How she'd always try to convince me that I wanted a strawberry birthday cake, how she was so excited when she got to have the leftover frosting bowl, her little voice singing "Happy Birthday" at the top of her lungs while she accompanied herself on her piano, and her special birthday hugs that she so freely handed out throughout the day. I miss the finger prints she always left in the cake from sneaking tastes of frosting, and how she always wanted to open the presents herself.

The house seems so quiet and empty today. Jasper has been sleeping for most of the day, so I've been left with my thoughts for the entirety of the time I've been awake. And I can't help but sit here and cry when I think of how much I miss her.

I feel like I've lost five years of my life. I'm 27 today, and I feel as if I have nothing to show for it. So many people my age, and younger, have several children...and here I am...27 years old, with only an 8-month old to show for 7 years of marriage and 5 years of being a mommy. I dont' know how to explain the feelings that I have to others. There is a sort of stigma in the church that relates to couples who wait many years to have children. Now I feel like a social pariah because we don't fit in with the couples our age. They all have older children who play together on a regular basis, and I can't ignore the tearing of my heart when I think that my sweet little girl should be right there with them, giggling, screaming, chasing, and just being a child. Instead, I sit there, bouncing Jasper on my knees and watching...always watching...always wishing that my daughter could be right there with them.

Dearest Mommy...

One of the members of the SUDC parent support group posted this on our group page. I thought it was so fitting and needed to share it on here.

"Dearest Mommy..."

Dearest Mommy,
When you wonder the meaning of life and love
Know that I am with you.
Close your eyes and feel me kissing you
in the gentle breeze on your cheek.

When you begin to doubt that you shall ever see me again
Quiet your mind and hear me,
I am in the whisper of the heavens
Speaking of your love.

When you lose your identity,
When you quesiton who you are and where you are going
Open your heart and see me.
I am the twinkle in the stars smiling down upon you
Lighting the path for your journey.

When you awaken each morming
Not remembering your dreams
But feeling content and serene
Know that I was with you-
Filling your nights with thoughts of me.

When you linger in the remnant pain,
Wholeness seeming unfamiliar,
Think of me and
Know that I am with you.
Touching you through the shared tears of a gentle friend,
Easing the pain.

As the sunrise illuminates the desert sky
In the breathtaking glory, awaken your spirit.
Think of our time, all too brief, but ever brilliant,
When you were certain of us, together
When you were certain of your destiny.

Know that God created that moment in time,
Just for us
Dearest Mommy, I am with you always

Butterfly, Fly Away

Last night we released a butterfly at Kerrigan's camp site. This was not just any ordinary butterfly. This butterfly was very, very special! It just so happens that last summer, Kerrigan and Opa found a caterpillar that was getting ready to make a chrysalis. They caught it and put it in a jar with a few sticks, and there it waited. When Kerrigan passed, the jar got moved to Aunt Jill's bedroom until Oma found it a couple days ago. Thinking that it was dead, she prepared to throw it away. But lo and behold, she saw movement and before long something began to emerge. For all any of us knew, it could have been an ugly moth or tiny little butterfly, but, no. It was a yellow and black beauty. Oma & Opa took the butterfly to her campsite where we released it. It had a bit of a difficult time sticking to anywhere as it had been stuck in the jar for so long. We finally moved it to the safety of her wreath so that it could have a little shelter from the storm that was blowing in. The last we saw, it was still perched on the wreath with its wings gently flapping in the breeze.

Kerrigan's Time Warp (Again)

I decided it was time to post another one of Kerrigan's fun videos on here. For those of you who don't know, Kerrigan was a Gleek and her favorite episode was the "Rocky Horror Glee Show." From the time I downloaded the soundtrack to the day the episode premiered, Kerrigan loved the "Time Warp" song and would readily perform with it on tv. I can't tell you how many times we would rewind the DVR to this song and just let her do her thing to it. I've got about seven videos of her doing this, so here's another little blip:

The Salvation of Little Children

This has been one of my favorite gospel teachings since the time of Kerrigan's passing. It's sometimes really difficult to find information for bereaved parents that isn't specifically detailed toward those who have experienced miscarriages or SIDS. Losing an older child is somewhat of a taboo...not much is really written about it. But I often find myself comforted by reading this exerpt from The Teaching of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith. This particular piece is taken from Chapter 15, "The Salvation of Little Children."

~*~

From the Life of Joseph F. Smith

Although President Joseph F. Smith knew firsthand the anguish, loneliness, and love that attend the death of a child, his teachings on the salvation of little children were inspiring and reassuring. Between 1869 and 1898, he buried nine little children of his own.

Following the death of his firstborn child, Mercy Josephine, on 6 June 1870, he expressed his great sorrow: “O God only knows how much I loved my girl, and she the light and the joy of my heart. The morning before she died, after being up with her all night, for I watched her every night, I said to her, ‘My little pet did not sleep all night.’ She shook her head and replied, ‘I’ll sleep today, papa.’ Oh! how those little words shot through my heart. I knew though I would not believe, it was another voice, that it meant the sleep of death and she did sleep. And, Oh! the light of my heart went out. The image of heaven graven in my soul was almost departed. … Thou wert a heavenly gift directly to my heart of hearts.” 1

On 6 July 1879, Joseph F. Smith wrote in his journal of his grief at the death of his daughter Rhonda: “I took her on a pillow and walked the floor with her, she again revived but only lingered about an hour and died in my arms at 1:40 a.m. Now God only knows how deeply we mourn. This is the 5th death in my family. All my little ones most beloved! O! God help us to bear this trial!” 2

But he found comfort in the knowledge that, through the Atonement of the Savior, all was well with his beloved children. At the death of his daughter Ruth, on 17 March 1898, he received a glorious revelation: “O my soul! I see my own sweet mother’s arms extended welcoming to her embrace the ransomed glorious spirit of my own sweet babe! O my God! For this glorious vision, I thank Thee! And there too are gathered to my Father’s mansion all my darling lovely ones; not in infantile helplessness, but in all the power and glory and majesty of sanctified spirits! Full of intelligence, of joy and grace, and truth.” 3

Teachings of Joseph F. Smith

Little children who pass away before they are accountable are redeemed.

With little children who are taken away in infancy and innocence before they have reached the years of accountability, and are not capable of committing sin, the gospel reveals to us the fact that they are redeemed, and Satan has no power over them. Neither has death any power over them. They are redeemed by the blood of Christ, and they are saved just as surely as death has come into the world through the fall of our first parents. …

… Our beloved friends who are now deprived of their little one, have great cause for joy and rejoicing, even in the midst of the deep sorrow that they feel at the loss of their little one for a time. They know he is all right; they have the assurance that their little one has passed away without sin. Such children are in the bosom of the Father. They will inherit their glory and their exaltation, and they will not be deprived of the blessings that belong to them; for, in the economy of heaven, and in the wisdom of the Father, who doeth all things well, those who are cut down as little children are without any responsibility for their taking off, they, themselves, not having the intelligence and wisdom to take care of themselves and to understand the laws of life; and, in the wisdom and mercy and economy of God our Heavenly Father, all that could have been obtained and enjoyed by them if they had been permitted to live in the flesh will be provided for them hereafter. They will lose nothing by being taken away from us in this way. …

With these thoughts in my mind, I take consolation in the fact that I shall meet my children who have passed behind the veil; I have lost a number, and I have felt all that a parent can feel, I think, in the loss of my children. I have felt it keenly, for I love children, and I am particularly fond of the little ones, but I feel thankful to God for the knowledge of these principles, because now I have every confidence in his word and in his promise that I will possess in the future all that belongs to me, and my joy will be full. I will not be deprived of any privilege or any blessing that I am worthy of and that may be properly entrusted to me. But every gift, and every blessing that it is possible for me to become worthy of I shall possess, either in time or in eternity, and it will not matter, so that I acknowledge the hand of God in all these things, and say in my heart, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord” [see Job 1:21]. This is the way we should feel with regard to our children, or our relatives, or friends, or whatever vicissitudes we may be called to pass through. 4

After the resurrection, a child’s body will grow to match the stature of the spirit.

Would we be satisfied to see the children we bury in their infancy remain as children only, throughout the countless ages of eternity? No! Neither would the spirits that did possess the tabernacles of our children be satisfied to remain in that condition. But we know our children will not be compelled to remain as a child in stature always, for it was revealed from God, the fountain of truth, through Joseph Smith the prophet, in this dispensation, that in the resurrection of the dead the child that was buried in its infancy will come up in the form of the child that it was when it was laid down; then it will begin to develop. From the day of the resurrection, the body will develop until it reaches the full measure of the stature of its spirit, whether it be male or female. If the spirit possessed the intelligence of God and the aspirations of mortal souls, it could not be satisfied with anything less than this. You will remember we are told that the spirit of Jesus Christ visited one of the ancient prophets and revealed himself to him, and he declared his identity, that he was the same Son of God that was to come in the meridian of time. He said he would appear in the flesh just as he appeared to that prophet [see Ether 3:9, 16–17]. He was not an infant; he was a grown, developed spirit; possessing the form of man and the form of God, the same form as when he came and took upon him a tabernacle and developed it to the full stature of his spirit. 5

Every spirit that comes to this earth to take upon it a tabernacle is a son or a daughter of God, and possesses all the intelligence and all the attributes that any son or daughter can enjoy, either in the spirit world, or in this world, except that in the spirit, and separated from the body, they lacked just the tabernacle of being like God the Father. It is said that God is a spirit, and they who worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth [see John 4:24]. But he is a spirit possessing the tabernacle of flesh and bones, as tangible as a man’s and therefore to be like God and Jesus all men must have a body. It matters not whether these tabernacles mature in this world, or have to wait and mature in the world to come, according to the word of the Prophet Joseph Smith, the body will develop, either in time or in eternity, to the full stature of the spirit, and when the mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or to womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition than it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test. 6

The spirits of our children are immortal before they come to us, and their spirits, after bodily death, are like they were before they came. They are as they would have appeared if they had lived in the flesh, to grow to maturity, or to develop their physical bodies to the full stature of their spirits. If you see one of your children that has passed away it may appear to you in the form in which you would recognize it, the form of childhood; but if it came to you as a messenger bearing some important truth, it would perhaps come as the spirit of Bishop Edward Hunter’s son (who died when a little child) came to him, in the stature of full-grown manhood, and revealed himself to his father, and said: “I am your son.”

Bishop Hunter did not understand it. He went to my father and said: “Hyrum, what does that mean? I buried my son when he was only a little boy, but he has come to me as a full-grown man—a noble, glorious, young man, and declared himself my son. What does it mean?”

Father (Hyrum Smith, the Patriarch) told him that the Spirit of Jesus Christ was full-grown before he was born into the world; and so our children were full-grown and possessed their full stature in the spirit, before they entered mortality, the same stature that they will possess after they have passed away from mortality, and as they will also appear after the resurrection, when they shall have completed their mission.

Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: “You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.” There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the resurrection from death. I love this truth. It speaks volumes of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us. 7

All is well with little children who pass away.

If we have received the testimony of the spirit of truth in our souls we know that all is well with our little children who pass away, that we could not, if we would, better their condition; and least of all would it better their condition if we could call them back here, for the reason that so long as man is in the world, clothed with mortality, surrounded by the evils that are in the world, he runs chances and is subject to risks, and there are responsibilities resting upon him which may prove fatal to his future prosperity, happiness and exaltation. 8

It is a very difficult matter to say anything at a time of sorrow and bereavement like the present that will give immediate relief to the sorrowing hearts of those who mourn. Such griefs can only be fully relieved by the lapse of time and the influence of the good spirit upon the hearts of those that mourn, by which they can obtain comfort and satisfaction in their hopes of the future. … I have learned that there are a great many things which are far worse than death. With my present feelings and views and the understanding that I have of life and death I would far rather follow every child I have to the grave in their innocence and purity, than to see them grow up to man and womanhood and degrade themselves by the pernicious practices of the world, forget the Gospel, forget God and the plan of life and salvation, and turn away from the only hope of eternal reward and exaltation in the world to come. 9

If we are faithful, we will be reunited with our children beyond the veil.

The prophet Elijah was to plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to their fathers, foreshadowing the great work to be done in the temples of the Lord in the Dispensation of the Fulness of Times, for the redemption of the dead and the sealing of the children to their parents, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse and utterly wasted at his coming. 10

If we live and turn away from the truth we will be separated throughout the countless ages of eternity from the society of those we love. We will have no claim upon them, and they will have no claim upon us. There will be an impassable gulf between us over which we can not pass, one to the other. If we die in the faith, having lived righteous lives, we are Christ’s, we have the assurance of eternal reward, being in possession of the principles of eternal truth and shall be clothed with glory, immortality and eternal lives. While we sojourn in the flesh we pass a great portion of our life in sorrow; death separates us for a short time, some of us pass behind the vail, but the time will come when we will meet with those who have gone, and enjoy each other’s society forever. The separation is but for a moment as it were. No power can separate us then. God having joined us together we have a claim upon each other—an undeniable claim—inasmuch as we have been united by the power of the priesthood in the Gospel of Christ. Therefore it is better to be separated in this life for a little season, although we have to pass through deprivation, sorrow, trouble, toil, widowhood, orphanage and many other vicissitudes, than to be separated for all eternity. 11

We are begotten in the similitude of Christ himself. We dwelt with the Father and with the Son in the beginning, as the sons and daughters of God; and at the time appointed, we came to this earth to take upon ourselves tabernacles, that we might become conformed to the likeness and image of Jesus Christ and become like him; that we might have a tabernacle, that we might pass through death as he has passed through death, that we might rise again from the dead as he has risen from the dead. … The thought of meeting my children who have preceded me beyond the veil, and of meeting my kindred and my friends, what happiness it affords! For I know that I shall meet them there. God has shown me that this is true. He has made it clear to me, in answer to my prayer and devotion, as he has made it clear to the understanding of all men who have sought diligently to know him. 12

[To Elder Joseph H. Dean in Oahu, Hawaii, President Joseph F. Smith wrote:] I heard with deep sympathy of the death of your baby at home. I knew how to sympathize, for I passed thro the same kind of bitter experience myself while there. I would have written you, but I judged you by myself and refrained from doing so. Under such circumstances I feel more like going into some distant quiet, lonely retreat, where no eye but that of God beheld me, and there, alone, feel and sense my grief, God only knowing it. … Time, and time only—that great healer of wounds—can touch my soul, and I think you would no doubt feel the same. But when the first poignant throes of grief are passed and the soul is calmed by time and fate, then a word fitly spoken may touch the tender chord of fellowship flowing from heart to heart in kindred sorrows. The Lord truly knows best and we know that the innocents who have been recalled from earth, so soon after their coming untainted by the sordid elements of this fallen world return to Him from whom they came, pure and holy, redeemed from the foundation, by the sacrifice of one who said “of such is the kingdom of heaven.” My most earnest, heartfelt prayer is, O! God help me to live and be worthy to join my innocent children in their home with thee! 13

I Wonder...

I wonder what you're doing right now,
And if everyone is treating you kind.
I hope there is a special person,
A nice friend that you can find.

I wonder if everyone knows
Just how special you are to me.
And if the brightness of your heart
Is something they can see.

I wonder if you are thinking about me,
And if you need a hug.
I already miss the sound of your voice
And how you gave my leg a tug.

I wonder if you could possibly understand
How hard it is for me to let you grow.
On this day know that my heart breaks...
For this is the first step in letting my baby go.

...Keep Me In Your Heart...

My First Birthday in Heaven

As I'm writing you this message,
You won't believe all the things I see.
Heeaven is so beautiful,
And it's now where you can find me.

The angels are all so wonderful,
And God is indeed my guiding light.
He opened up his arms to me,
When I arrived my first night.

He said "My child don't you worry,
You have truly come home.
And now that you're here,
You will never be alone."

To make it even more special,
You'll never guess what they've done.
They arranged my first birthday celebration,
Right here in heaven!

Everything seems so perfect,
But something's still not quite right.
It's all of you I'm missing,
To help make my birthday bright.

It would be so amazing,
If you could be with me.
Helping me celebrate my birthday,
With my new heavenly family.

I know the day will come,
When we will be together again,
But until that time comes,
I love you all...

Love, Kerrigan!

Birthday Countdown: Fourth Birthday

Kerrigan's last birthday served a double-purpose. We chose a Christmas in July theme, basically as payback to Brandon (when I was in labor with Kerrigan, QVC was having their annual Christmas in July sale. I like to just watch and see what kinds of fun decorations they come out with. Well, while we were in the hospital room, Brandon comandeered the remote and watched Animal Planet the whole time, never once letting me watch QVC. I've never let him live it down, so that's why we chose a Christmas in July theme for Kerrigan's party. She always loved Christmas!!) I was so upset last Christmas because Kerrigan had passed exactly a month before Christmas. She so loved the holiday, and I was feeling so sorry that she wouldn't be experiencing Christmas with us. But then Sha pointed out to me that she got her very own special Christmas for her birthday...while it didn't take away all the sadness and loneliness of the holiday without our monkey, it did help to think that she'd had her very own Christmas, just for her!

Kerrigan received a Toy Story alien fishing game from one of her great-uncles. She made sure to let everyone have a chance to play it with her!

Soooo excited about her Wuzz Biteyear! ("And beyond!")

Birthday Countdown: Third Birthday

Birthday Countdown: Second Birthday