Wishing "First's" Didn't Exist

I honestly can't wait until our list of "first's" are over. Our first Christmas without Kerrigan...first Thanksgiving...first Halloween...first Mother's Day...first Father's Day...first birthday...first day of school...the list goes on and on. And yet again, here I sit on another first: my first birthday without Kerrigan. I have never hated my birthday so much as I do today. I had to force myself to get out of bed this morning, and I have been needing a cattle prod to coerce myself to do anything productive today. All I want to do is retreat to my bed, pull the covers over my head, and wait for the day to be over!

I miss my little baking buddy so much! How she'd always try to convince me that I wanted a strawberry birthday cake, how she was so excited when she got to have the leftover frosting bowl, her little voice singing "Happy Birthday" at the top of her lungs while she accompanied herself on her piano, and her special birthday hugs that she so freely handed out throughout the day. I miss the finger prints she always left in the cake from sneaking tastes of frosting, and how she always wanted to open the presents herself.

The house seems so quiet and empty today. Jasper has been sleeping for most of the day, so I've been left with my thoughts for the entirety of the time I've been awake. And I can't help but sit here and cry when I think of how much I miss her.

I feel like I've lost five years of my life. I'm 27 today, and I feel as if I have nothing to show for it. So many people my age, and younger, have several children...and here I am...27 years old, with only an 8-month old to show for 7 years of marriage and 5 years of being a mommy. I dont' know how to explain the feelings that I have to others. There is a sort of stigma in the church that relates to couples who wait many years to have children. Now I feel like a social pariah because we don't fit in with the couples our age. They all have older children who play together on a regular basis, and I can't ignore the tearing of my heart when I think that my sweet little girl should be right there with them, giggling, screaming, chasing, and just being a child. Instead, I sit there, bouncing Jasper on my knees and watching...always watching...always wishing that my daughter could be right there with them.