Birthday Countdown

It's now less than a week until Kerrigan's fifth birthday. It has been really difficult going about planning a party when we really don't feel like celebrating. I wanted to throw her a birthday party, just like we would've if she were still here, but it's been so much harder than I imagined. I thought I could handle it...I thought I could be strong, but I underestimated how overbearing the grief would be. I try to be really good wearing my happy face in public and not letting people see me cry when the tears randomly come, but I've been losing the battle.

We were in Wal-Mart the other day and I decided that I wanted to send out invitations to Kerrigan's family for our get-together in Cowley on her birthday. I never imagined it would be so hard to pick out a package of invitations. But, there they were: Dora the Explorer, Disney Princesses, The Princess and the Frog, Tinkerbell...everything that she loved. I didn't know where to start or which one to choose. Would her tastes have changed? Would she be into something completely different by this time? Would she still want Dora...or maybe she would have been in love with Spiderman or some other character. I don't even remember how little girls think anymore. Would I have thrown her a princess party? What kind of cake would she want? Would she want to invite friends this year, or just stick with family parties like we always have? What kinds of presents would she have asked for? I can only sit here and imagine.

We finally decided on Dora the Explorer invitations. Dora was her hero. Writing out the invitations was something I had to force myself to do. Put pen to paper and force the words onto the card. No emotion...just words. Time. Place. Dinner is provided. Just simple words with no meaning behind them.

I'm not even looking forward to making a birthday cake. That was always one of my favorite things: taking Kerrigan to True Value and letting her pick out the cake pan she wanted. I would then bake her cake of choice and decorate it by hand. Sure, my hands were always cramped from the icing bag, but it was well worth it to see her face light up when she saw the finished project. I won't see that face this year...or any other year to come.

Before I got started typing, I had simply meant to post some pictures of past birthday parties. Instead, I've let my mind and my fingers get away from me...I apologize.

Here's the real reason I created this post: pictures from Kerrigan's first birthday!