My First Birthday in Heaven

As I'm writing you this message,
You won't believe all the things I see.
Heeaven is so beautiful,
And it's now where you can find me.

The angels are all so wonderful,
And God is indeed my guiding light.
He opened up his arms to me,
When I arrived my first night.

He said "My child don't you worry,
You have truly come home.
And now that you're here,
You will never be alone."

To make it even more special,
You'll never guess what they've done.
They arranged my first birthday celebration,
Right here in heaven!

Everything seems so perfect,
But something's still not quite right.
It's all of you I'm missing,
To help make my birthday bright.

It would be so amazing,
If you could be with me.
Helping me celebrate my birthday,
With my new heavenly family.

I know the day will come,
When we will be together again,
But until that time comes,
I love you all...

Love, Kerrigan!

Birthday Countdown: Fourth Birthday

Kerrigan's last birthday served a double-purpose. We chose a Christmas in July theme, basically as payback to Brandon (when I was in labor with Kerrigan, QVC was having their annual Christmas in July sale. I like to just watch and see what kinds of fun decorations they come out with. Well, while we were in the hospital room, Brandon comandeered the remote and watched Animal Planet the whole time, never once letting me watch QVC. I've never let him live it down, so that's why we chose a Christmas in July theme for Kerrigan's party. She always loved Christmas!!) I was so upset last Christmas because Kerrigan had passed exactly a month before Christmas. She so loved the holiday, and I was feeling so sorry that she wouldn't be experiencing Christmas with us. But then Sha pointed out to me that she got her very own special Christmas for her birthday...while it didn't take away all the sadness and loneliness of the holiday without our monkey, it did help to think that she'd had her very own Christmas, just for her!

Kerrigan received a Toy Story alien fishing game from one of her great-uncles. She made sure to let everyone have a chance to play it with her!

Soooo excited about her Wuzz Biteyear! ("And beyond!")

Birthday Countdown: Third Birthday

Birthday Countdown: Second Birthday

Birthday Countdown

It's now less than a week until Kerrigan's fifth birthday. It has been really difficult going about planning a party when we really don't feel like celebrating. I wanted to throw her a birthday party, just like we would've if she were still here, but it's been so much harder than I imagined. I thought I could handle it...I thought I could be strong, but I underestimated how overbearing the grief would be. I try to be really good wearing my happy face in public and not letting people see me cry when the tears randomly come, but I've been losing the battle.

We were in Wal-Mart the other day and I decided that I wanted to send out invitations to Kerrigan's family for our get-together in Cowley on her birthday. I never imagined it would be so hard to pick out a package of invitations. But, there they were: Dora the Explorer, Disney Princesses, The Princess and the Frog, Tinkerbell...everything that she loved. I didn't know where to start or which one to choose. Would her tastes have changed? Would she be into something completely different by this time? Would she still want Dora...or maybe she would have been in love with Spiderman or some other character. I don't even remember how little girls think anymore. Would I have thrown her a princess party? What kind of cake would she want? Would she want to invite friends this year, or just stick with family parties like we always have? What kinds of presents would she have asked for? I can only sit here and imagine.

We finally decided on Dora the Explorer invitations. Dora was her hero. Writing out the invitations was something I had to force myself to do. Put pen to paper and force the words onto the card. No emotion...just words. Time. Place. Dinner is provided. Just simple words with no meaning behind them.

I'm not even looking forward to making a birthday cake. That was always one of my favorite things: taking Kerrigan to True Value and letting her pick out the cake pan she wanted. I would then bake her cake of choice and decorate it by hand. Sure, my hands were always cramped from the icing bag, but it was well worth it to see her face light up when she saw the finished project. I won't see that face this year...or any other year to come.

Before I got started typing, I had simply meant to post some pictures of past birthday parties. Instead, I've let my mind and my fingers get away from me...I apologize.

Here's the real reason I created this post: pictures from Kerrigan's first birthday!

Welcome to Holland

I recently came across this story and felt like I had to share it. It was written for parents raising a child with a disability, but I thought that it could have so many different meanings. I found my own meaning in it...hopefully you can find yours!

"Welcome to Holland"
by Emily Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Kerrigan's Run for a Reason

We're proud to formally announce Kerrigan's Run for a Reason!! Since I put out the note on Facebook, we've had some questions, so I thought I'd clarify and explain what this special event is all about.

First off, I'd like to offer a little introduction to the SUDC program. "The SUDC Program was created at the CJ Foundation for SIDS in September 2001 by two mothers (Laura Crandall and Chelsea Hilbert) who lost their toddler aged children to SUDC and approached the CJ Foundation for support and answers. Today, the SUDC Program raises research funds and provides a centralized resource for information, support and advocacy. It serves families and professionals affected by the tragedy of SUDC, and promotes awareness of SUDC inbcommunities." ("Run for a Reason" planning guide).

And now, a little bit about SUDC. SUDC stands for Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. It is, in it's simplest definition, SIDS after the age of one. Similar to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), SUDC is a diagnosis of exclusion - given when all known and possible causes of death have been ruled out. However, SIDS occurs in approximately 54 in 100,000 live births, while SUDC occurs in approximately 1.2 in 100,000. Most incidences occur between the ages of 1 and 3.

I first head about the SUDC program from watching Food Network Challenge. There was an episode where one of the contestants had recently lost her daughter to SUDC, and when she described it, I thought that it sounded exactly like what we had experienced with Kerrigan. So I looked up the website, got in touch with the directors, and the rest is history. We're received great support from the program and have had access to some wonderful material. As a way to give back and to spread the word about this little-known condition, we've decided to host Kerrigan's Run for a Reason.

The run will be held next July 21st, the Saturday before Kerrigan's 6th birthday, at Homesteader Park in Powell. It will feature a 5K run, 2K family fitness/memorial walk, children's fun run, activities, music, food, and, hopefully, lots of fun!

If anyone out there is interested or has experience with fundraising or event planning, I'm looking for a few people to help out as committee heads! Our committees include: childrens' activites, food & drink, fundraising, marketing/public relations, and entertainment. If you are interested, leave a message or give me a call!

The countdown has started, so, mark your calendars, start training, and join us for a day of hope and memories!