What They Don't Tell You...

I wish that grief came with an owner's manual and anytime I faced a difficult situation I could go to the index, find the particular thing I'm looking for, and be told just how to handle it. Unfortunately, there are so many things that nobody ever prepares you to handle. Everyone always tells you that things are going to be different, that holidays are never going to be the same, that you'll look at everything in a completely different light. That is all a complete understatement! What they fail to tell you is how your heart will be ripped out on Mother's Day, how you'll never get to watch your child's preschool graduation, how you will have to watch everyone else her age going to kindergarten when she will never get the chance. You go on family vacations with a stand-in. You watch your infant son put his hand on her picure and coo like he knows exactly who he's talking to. I suppose I should perhaps put some background to all of this...

Brandon, Jasper, and I took a road trip last week to South Dakota and Denver. It never felt right to be taking a family trip without Kerrigan with us. In her stead, we carried a Pillow Pet bumble bee (Background: That was the ONE thing she had asked for at Christmas...she so desperately wanted a bumble bee Pillow Pet. As soon as he felt up to is, Daddy went out and bought her one for her room. We soon found that they make miniature ones, so we bought one to place in her memorial when it's complete, and another to carry with us whenever we felt so inclined.) One of the reasons we went that week was to avoid being in church over Mother's Day; the primary children singing, seeing all the happy mothers with their complete families was just too much for me to even think about handling...needless to say, I did not want to celebrate Mother's Day at all without the child who made me a mother in the first place. We went to dinner at Olive Garden, and to top off an already stressful evening (cranky baby), the waitress slipped a small "Happy First Mother's Day" card into the billfold. That was it for me. I hated people thinking that it was only my first Mother's Day...it was my fifth! I would receive no handcrafted present from preschool, no pictures scribbled in crayon, no plaster cast of little hands, no "I love you, Mommy!"...instead I proudly wore my new pendant with her footprint and birthstone. Nobody ever tells you how to control the feelings that swell through you on a day celebrating mothers when the person who gave you that title is gone. It's so hard to look into Jasper's eyes and not see her...not see her staring up with me with big, bright blue eyes and knowing that I was her Mommy.

Nobody tells you how to sit on the sidelines and watch Facebook posts from your friends with children her age being so excited about registering their children for kindergarten and glowing with pride as their children hold their preschool diplomas. I will never see my baby girl in her cap and gown, with her hair all curled and her black Sunday shoes shining, singing the songs she learned in preschool and bursting with excitement at the prospect of going to the big kids' school next year. And she was SO excited about kindergarten. She couldn't have been prouder to be going to the school where Mommy went and possibly having the same teacher that taught her mommy. I couldn't have been more proud to have her attending the school where I went, learning from some of the best teachers I have ever known...I was practically bursting at the seams at the thought of walking her across the street to school. Listening to the school bell and hearing the kids screaming at recess will never sound the same to me again when I remember that she should be out there with them, screaming right along with the rest of her classmates.

There are so many, many things that you never think you have to be prepared for..but I truthfully hope that as each difficult day passes, we remember how to handle it for the next time it comes around. One day at a time...each day a little easier than the last...

Please Don't Ask Me If I'm Over It Yet

"Please Don’t Ask Me If I’m Over It Yet"

Please, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.

I'll never be over it.

Please, don't tell me she's in a better place.

She isn't with me.

Please, don't say at least she isn't suffering.

I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.

Please, don't tell me you know how I feel

Unless you have lost a child.

Please, don't ask me if I feel better.

Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.

Please, don't tell me at least you had her for so many years.

What year would you choose for your child to die?

Please, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.

Please, just tell me you are sorry.

Please, just say you remember my child, if you do.

Please, just let me talk about my child.

Please, mention my child's name.

Please, just let me cry.

--Rita Moran. Published in Compassionate Friends

On a lighter note, it's time to post a new video of Kerrigan. These videos are my testament to how horrible mothers can be sometimes when we use the torture of our children for our own cheap amusement.

Blessing Day

We blessed Jasper last Sunday (March 28th), and it was a wonderful day. Although Kerrigan wasn't there with us, during the blessing Brandon gave Jasper, I truly felt her presence in the chapel with us. It made things a little easier to get through without her there. I thought I'd share the pictures from Kerrigan's blessing (September 3, 2006).

4 generations of Strom girls!

4 generations of Harveys

The Richardsons

Mommy, Daddy, and Kerrigan

Kerrigan in her blessing dress, which is the one that was worn by me and my sisters, as well as the cap that my great-grandma made for my grandpa.

Let's Do the Time Warp Again

Kerrigan always loved musicals! "Mamma Mia!" and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" and most of all, "Glee!" When the Rocky Horror Glee Show music came out, she became oddly attached to the "Time Warp" song and loved to listen to it over and over and over! When the show finally aired on tv, we recorded it and had to watch it over and over and over while she danced and sang to her favorite songs. Here's one of her best renditions of "Time Warp."

Tears of an Angel

Today, Brandon was listening to a song that I had never heard before called "Tears of an Angel" by Ryandan. I couldn't help but break down as I listened to the lyrics, but I thought it was a perfect song for our little angel. I put some of our videos of her with the song...and it's just fitting.



"Tears of an Angel"
Cover my eyes
Cover my ears
Tell me these words are a lie
It can't be true
That I'm losing you
The sun cannot fall from the sky

Can you hear heaven cry
Tears of an angel?
Tears of an angel
Tears of an angel.

Stop every clock
Stars are in shock
The river will flow to the sea
I won't let you fly
I won't say goodbye
I won't let you slip away from me

Can you hear heaven cry?
Tears of an angel
Tears of an angel
Tears of an angel.

So hold on
Be strong
Everyday on we'll go
I'm here, don't you fear

Little one dont let go
Dont let go
Dont let go

Cover my eyes
Cover my ears
Tell me these words are a lie

The Mommy Song, the Daddy Song, and the Kerrigan Song

This was Kerrigan's first attempt at composing her own songs. I guess you can really see what she thought of Mommy and Daddy, according to her lyrics. I was at work while she made it up, and Brandon had called me on Skype so she could sing me the Mommy Song. Later, when I got home, she had made up a Daddy Song and a Kerrigan Song. Here they are for your listening pleasure.

Forever

I was listening to a song by Rascall Flats earlier today and thought it was extremely fitting for Kerrigan. I just wanted to share the lyrics on here.

"Forever"
I miss you so much
Your light, your smile, your way, and everything about us
Though you're gone, you're still here
In my heart, in my tears
Yeah you sure left your mark and we were just getting started

It wasn't long enough, it wasn't long enough... Together...
But it was long enough, yeah, it was long enough... to last forever...

Sometimes I get so mad; I scream and swear at this
Cuz' this, isn't how we planned it
I sit here, in a cold room...
Prayin'
Waiting on you o run back through that door,
The way it was before

You left, it wasn't long enough, it wasn't long enough... together
But it was long enough; yeah it was long enough to last, forever...

I feel cheated, defeated
Can't believe that you're gone
Oh it was wrong (so wrong)
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough, it wasn't long enough...
Nooo it wasn't long enough, it wasn't long enough...
Together
But it was long enough; yeah it was long enough, to last,
To last, to last forever...


In other news, we've been working with Bott Monuments in Riverton to design Kerrigan's memorial. They've sent us two mock-ups, and I think we've decided to go with the second one. It'll be in a light grey stone with bright purple and pink bronze butterflies.

First Option:


Second Option:


Here's a close-up of the butterflies. They're bronzed, but can have any color patina applied to them. Also, the vase with the memorial has butterflies up the front with a bright purple background.